One thing on my mind lately is my identity. Sometimes I wonder “how did I get here?” Or I look around my house and don’t recognize my former life at all.
But I also think about who I was before I even met Dan. I was very independent and blessed with a group of best friends which by the way are the same ones I have today. Before I met Dan I always worked out. I even worked at an athletic club part time to get a free membership although my friends (M and D you know who you are!) originally talked me into doing it to meet guys, haha! That was way before I met Dan. But my point is that when I met Dan, I had my own house, I had a career, I had my hobbies and he had his too. And when I married him, I changed my name and we became one but I never stopped being me and the same for him. Of course that all changed when we had kids and there was no time for anything else but being parents!
So applying this to my new life and title of widow, it doesn’t mean I stop doing all the things I love. I am still the same person who enjoys the same things. I may have lost Dan, but I cannot lose my identity. I realized that it is okay to enjoy my life and do what makes me happy.
Finding yourself after a loss is very difficult so deciding to throw myself into working out and running again has helped me find myself again. But now I feel like I have a new purpose. I have to be healthy for my boys, and that is not an option. I am also now running for a purpose. I am running for Dan who lost his ability to walk. His brain cancer took over his whole body and seeing the person you love struggle to just move a leg would motivate you too. So when my brain is telling my legs to quit, I say FU, think of my sweet Dan’s face and keep on going.
The night that Dan died was the night I decided I was going to step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself this year. It was 4 am and I was online researching races! I decided to run for a cause whenever I can. I have trained for 10 weeks and am running 10 miles for Dan this Sunday, May 5th.
I am not out to break records or win prizes. I am in it to finish and make Dan proud of me and most of all, take advantage of the fact that I am healthy and able to do so. We all have our outlets and I guess I found mine.
I never imagined my life would turn out this way but I am embracing all that I have and taking it day by day.
They say that running clears your mind but obviously it makes me think too much!