Dan and I started our life as one when we were married in Bermuda on May 14, 2005. We had vacationed there before and actually introduced to the island by our great friends J & L who also got married in Bermuda. We had so many great memories there and always planned on going back on our 10 year anniversary. Having small children, it was almost impossible to get away so we figured by 10 years they would be old enough to stay with family and not miss us too much!
Who knew we wouldn’t make it to 10 years?
I would never imagine I would be going back before 10 years but I was still holding on to Dan’s ashes and decided that Bermuda was the perfect place to release him. The place we made memories and said our vows in front of our family and friends.
“…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”
I stood by those precious words until the day he took his last breath at my side. I owed this to him. So I booked the trip and 2 of my best friends came along with me. The whole week leading up to the trip, major anxiety set in. Was I doing the right thing? What if he doesn’t want to be in Bermuda? I was in sheer panic mode, unable to sleep, waking up unable to breathe and having a few panic attacks like I did the weeks after he died. My therapist BFF Kristin talked to me into the wee hours the nights leading up to the trip and finally the day before, I got the sign I needed and knew it was going to be alright.
Once we got there, I had to decided where I was going to release him. I knew it had to be in the water due to the sign I received…but where? The hotel where we married was gone after it was destroyed by a hurricane. My original plan included somehow getting on the property and if you know me and Kristin at all, nothing stands in our way so the night we arrived, we headed up to Henry VII’s which is a restaurant/bar across the street from where the Wyndham once stood and we met some locals who had friends on the construction site (a new hotel is being built now) that would let us on the property.
Scratch that plan because Dan had other plans.
We woke up on Saturday and headed to the beach. Yes, I was carrying Dan with me too. The clouds were amazing. If you don’t know, I have become obsessed with clouds since Dan’s death. I had never seen such big, beautiful, puffy clouds like I did the day he passed. I now see them here and there and I feel like that is a sign from above that he is watching over us. If you don’t believe in this stuff, you can call me crazy and I don’t really care! But the clouds that Saturday morning of June 1st in Bermuda were spectacular.
So off we go to the beach. The three of us were taking it all in. We were staying in the next hotel over from where the Wyndham used to be. I look over and see people kayaking and swimming in the coves and to a private beach and realize that was where we had our wedding photos taken – perfect. That’s it. That is the spot where I have to release Dan. But how do we get there? It’s private. We all head into the water to swim to it, Kristin carrying Dan at this point and we realize it’s too rough. Next we venture up to the road to walk it. And if you have ever been to Bermuda you know the south shore is ALL hills with one main road that overlooks the beach. We start walking and walking and walking and we pass a guy just standing on the road and we say hello and keep walking. Next a little boy yells up from his house asking if we were looking for beach access. Why yes we are young man! So he tells us where to go when a voice yells for us to come back because he has a short cut. You are probably reading this thinking 3 girls on a strange island following a local to a short cut is probably not a good idea but we knew something was special, after all Dan had to be lining all of this up. So he shows us a set of concrete steps and tell us to go down them and once we get to the end, turn for the next set. There was no stopping us at this point so off we went. These were the steepest steps I have ever ever climbed. And once we got to the end, we were on that private beach. The place I had my wedding photos taken with Dan 8 years ago. We were seriously guided to this spot and everything lined up perfectly without a real plan. Someone else up above had the plan and we just followed.
I was able to walk the same steps I walked with Dan. Sit on the same rocks I did with him too. And at 1:11 we played Beam Me Up by Pink, I walked into the water with my friends watching over, waves crashing into the rocks, and I released Dan into the blue water. It was the most beautiful, peaceful moment as I watched him fade right into the pink sand and my best friend prayed by my side.
Kristin took this photo right after I released him and said:
Signs and guides led us to the perfect place at the perfect time to join physical and spiritual worlds. This journey proves… “coincidences are “the Other Side working seamlessly like pieces of a puzzle coming together in our lives in a perfect way.” – Concetta Bertoldi
I feel completely at peace now with Dan being in Bermuda and now have a special place to visit with my boys for many years to come. And the rest of the trip was nothing short of amazing. Made some great new friends and fantastic memories too.
By the way, the guy who led us to the steps was no where to be found once we came back up to look for him. Kristin says of course not, he’s not real…he’s an angel that had to show us the steps!
Thank you K and T for coming along on my journey.